LOUD
LOUD
Teaching Filipino American History is already living the dream. That dream for a better world requires all the struggles, with only moments of rest, but without ever losing hope. no matter what society we are in, or what society we belong to, it is urgent that we fight (teach) with hope and FEARLESSNESS.
–
Journal Notes
Winter PEP Retreat
December 2014
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person

2. last week, my uncle passed away. he was my dad’s eldest brother and i only met him once. he was sick for a long time, and had been diagnosed with Polio at a young age. i hardly knew him. so when i heard he had passed, i was sad, but questioned if my sadness was real sadness. why should i be sad about a person i’ve never really knew? it got me thinking about how when robin williams passed away, i was heartbroken because it felt like that funny uncle everyone loved growing up as child, had died. but now my real uncle had died and i had real tears thinking about it and all this guilt sort of flooded out of me thinking about how i never really knew him. i’m still not sure how to process that. that’s all.
3. this academic year, i decided not to return to the after school program i had been working with for the past 3 years. it was really hard for me to let go, but i realized that in order for me to grow, i had to be somewhere where i was not comfortable. i miss my kindergarteners (now first graders) so much, and i worry about them everyday. i wish i could be with them as they grow up. however, i’ve stepped up my other classroom space with my middle school students. i’m taking on a lot more responsibility this year with PEP, and honestly it scares me a lot. i keep saying that i’ve never had a leadership position before, even though i know that i have, but i think saying that is just a way for me to fall back on if i mess up. but i think i’m just learning to accept that no one is ever going to be completely ready for anything, and that i’m just going to have to learn as i go, even if i mess up. but i can do this! right? i can!!!!!!! i can.
4. i’ve been trying to write and record music, but the inspiration comes and goes. i’d like to blame it on not having enough time, or that my roommates are always home, but the real truth is, i have no idea what to sing. that worries me.
4. i feel like i’ve said too much. is my vulnerable showing? is tumblr even a place to write these kinds of things, or should i make a wordpress or something?
the shit i’ve put on my face pt. 1
1. Mario Bedescu Azulene Calming Mask
aka “I cnt move mu'Face”
2. Daiso Collagen Sheet Mask
aka “I’ll Kill You and Everything You Love” Face
3. Origins Clear Improvement Active Charcoal Mask
aka “I Love Ash Wednesday” face
Here’s the tracklisting for my new album, Tough Love. (You can order the CD & vinyl at http://po.st/3hBD5m) xx
(via marianneayy)
(via nikki-ribas)
this is a repost from my private tumblr. i wrote it more than a year ago, but it still applies today.
i go to unbelievable lengths to avoid being embarrassed or do the wrong thing. i hate it. where some people can easily laugh or shrug off a mistake, i do the opposite: i dwell. i try so hard to not mess up that when i actually DO commit a mistake or do something embarrassing, the memory of the action stays with me for the longest time… sometimes forever -___-
for example, i remember in 7th grade i participated in an intramural volleyball team after school. i’ve never been good at any sports, so to try this was a huge deal for me. at my first and only game against a different school, i remember it being my turn to serve the ball… i could only do underhand, haha. but as i swung my hand back and then swiftly forward to hit the ball, i totally missed.. and the ball didn’t fly into the air.. it sadly rolled a few feet in front of me. i could hear the giggles of both teams as my face turned 3 shades of red. HAHAHA!
it seems a little silly and stupid to let a memory such as this one stay with me forever, but isn’t weird how these moments seem to do so? we all have the capacity to keep millions of memories, good and bad. some of these get locked up inside our heads, and it only takes a certain thing to bring them back up again. a simple smell or a song could bring up a hundred things that you totally forgot about, but then suddenly felt like they happened yesterday. makes you wonder what kind of things we are choosing to forget or simply overlooking in our brains… and sometimes makes you wonder why instead we can’t FORGET that one mistake we made 2 years ago or FORGET that person who caused you so much pain, or why can’t we FORGET the stupid thing we said that one time…
it’s these bad memories and dark times that overcrowd our heads, and i know many of my friends, i included, seem to dwell on these more than we should. i truly believe that all people are inherently GOOD. although we all wish we could be much better than we presently are, i think we all need to hear that there is more good inside you than you think. you drop a little black paint in some white paint, mix it up and suddenly it turns gray: humans aren’t like that. you aren’t gray, you aren’t tainted and your mistakes aren’t irreversible. just cause i embarrassed myself in front of all those people in the 7th grade doesn’t mean i gotta stay on that forever. and just because i have these hurts and all these other mistakes that stay on my memory, it doesn’t mean that they define me. your dark times don’t define you either. there is more good in you than you think, and there is more light that shines from you that you realize. sounds corny, but i know i need to hear that now and again. i hope that someone out there needs this too.
I have gotten 32 emails like this over the past 2 days… *end of an era pic.twitter.com/LRT9IUqJrM
— Kaskade (@kaskade)June 4, 2014I imagine over the next week my entire sound cloud will be taken down. Sorry but there is nothing I can do here.
— Kaskade (@kaskade)June 4,…