Teaching Filipino American History is already living the dream. That dream for a better world requires all the struggles, with only moments of rest, but without ever losing hope. no matter what society we are in, or what society we belong to, it is urgent that we fight (teach) with hope and FEARLESSNESS.
i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person i will not let my only child tendencies keep me from being a nice person
My sister is off in college, and she left Luna behind. Luna is her guitar. She wanted my family and I to bring her to her when we visit. We visited her recently, and I was able to make a little song with Luna the night before.
months ago, i told myself i would share more about my life through writing, because it was the only way to keep a sense of relationship with my friends who live far away from me. to be honest, at the time i wrote that i think i might have been having one of those cathartic moments where you think everything is going to change after that one experience, but no action really takes place after. like you know, in the movies when the main character goes through some life changing event, and then after plays a montage of everything getting better and their whole world seems to be brighter with some fun music in the background. well life isn’t like that, and i need to get over myself. so now, i will apologize for that lie, and briefly write about a few things i have been reflecting on lately.
1. i think my family realizes i’m growing up. being the youngest of all my cousins, i always felt like i was never really taken seriously as a child. maybe it’s because i was one of the few to be born in the US, and i can’t speak ilonggo. part of me resents them for not including me in that. i actually have relatives who live in the same neighborhood as me (my cousins and two nieces). it literally could take me 4 minutes to get from my apartment to theirs, yet i haven’t been spending as much time with them because, to be honest, family to me has never really my first priority. my lack of relationship with them has shaped that. however, this weekend i finally saw them because my parents were visiting san francisco too. at first, it was hard for me to hang out with my family because of this guilt i felt, being too “busy” or whatever, but it was actually comforting to be around the people who i grew up with. none of them made me feel bad about not being able to see them. is it weird to say that i could feel how much i changed after being away from them for so long? i listened to their conversations in ilonggo, and they even let me in on the family tsis mis, which a year or two ago, i wouldn’t have been a part of because “i’m too young” or “too american.” it was nice to actually feel like i was part of my family.
2. last week, my uncle passed away. he was my dad’s eldest brother and i only met him once. he was sick for a long time, and had been diagnosed with Polio at a young age. i hardly knew him. so when i heard he had passed, i was sad, but questioned if my sadness was real sadness. why should i be sad about a person i’ve never really knew? it got me thinking about how when robin williams passed away, i was heartbroken because it felt like that funny uncle everyone loved growing up as child, had died. but now my real uncle had died and i had real tears thinking about it and all this guilt sort of flooded out of me thinking about how i never really knew him. i’m still not sure how to process that. that’s all.
3. this academic year, i decided not to return to the after school program i had been working with for the past 3 years. it was really hard for me to let go, but i realized that in order for me to grow, i had to be somewhere where i was not comfortable. i miss my kindergarteners (now first graders) so much, and i worry about them everyday. i wish i could be with them as they grow up. however, i’ve stepped up my other classroom space with my middle school students. i’m taking on a lot more responsibility this year with PEP, and honestly it scares me a lot. i keep saying that i’ve never had a leadership position before, even though i know that i have, but i think saying that is just a way for me to fall back on if i mess up. but i think i’m just learning to accept that no one is ever going to be completely ready for anything, and that i’m just going to have to learn as i go, even if i mess up. but i can do this! right? i can!!!!!!! i can.
4. i’ve been trying to write and record music, but the inspiration comes and goes. i’d like to blame it on not having enough time, or that my roommates are always home, but the real truth is, i have no idea what to sing. that worries me.
4. i feel like i’ve said too much. is my vulnerable showing? is tumblr even a place to write these kinds of things, or should i make a wordpress or something?
Whenever your heart starts to be anxious about the future, preach to your heart and say, ‘Heart, who do you think you are to be afraid of the future and nullify the promise of God? No, heart, I will not exalt myself with anxiety. I will humble myself in peace and joy as I trust this precious and great promise of God—He cares for me.’
1) You’re empowering.
2) I like your voice.
3) You’re strong.
4) I think your ideas/beliefs matter.
5) I’m so happy you exist.
6) More people should be listening to what you have to say.
7) You’re a very warm hearted person.
8) It’s nice seeing such kindness.
9) You’re very down to earth.
10) You have a beautiful soul.
11) You inspire me to become a better person.
12) Our conversations bring me a lot of joy.
13) It’s good to see someone care so much.
14) You’re so understanding.
15) You matter a lot to me.
16) You’re important even if you don’t think so.
17) You’re intelligent.
18) Your passion is contagious.
19) Your confidence is refreshing.
20) You restore my faith in humanity.
21) You’re great at being creative.
22) You’re so talented at ____.
23) I don’t get tired of you the way I get tired of other people.
24) You have great taste in ___.
25) I’m happy I stayed alive long enough to meet you.
26) I wish more people were like you.
27) You’re so good at loving people.
this is a repost from my private tumblr. i wrote it more than a year ago, but it still applies today.
i go to unbelievable lengths to avoid being embarrassed or do the wrong thing. i hate it. where some people can easily laugh or shrug off a mistake, i do the opposite: i dwell. i try so hard to not mess up that when i actually DO commit a mistake or do something embarrassing, the memory of the action stays with me for the longest time… sometimes forever -___-
for example, i remember in 7th grade i participated in an intramural volleyball team after school. i’ve never been good at any sports, so to try this was a huge deal for me. at my first and only game against a different school, i remember it being my turn to serve the ball… i could only do underhand, haha. but as i swung my hand back and then swiftly forward to hit the ball, i totally missed.. and the ball didn’t fly into the air.. it sadly rolled a few feet in front of me. i could hear the giggles of both teams as my face turned 3 shades of red. HAHAHA!
it seems a little silly and stupid to let a memory such as this one stay with me forever, but isn’t weird how these moments seem to do so? we all have the capacity to keep millions of memories, good and bad. some of these get locked up inside our heads, and it only takes a certain thing to bring them back up again. a simple smell or a song could bring up a hundred things that you totally forgot about, but then suddenly felt like they happened yesterday. makes you wonder what kind of things we are choosing to forget or simply overlooking in our brains… and sometimes makes you wonder why instead we can’t FORGET that one mistake we made 2 years ago or FORGET that person who caused you so much pain, or why can’t we FORGET the stupid thing we said that one time…
it’s these bad memories and dark times that overcrowd our heads, and i know many of my friends, i included, seem to dwell on these more than we should. i truly believe that all people are inherently GOOD. although we all wish we could be much better than we presently are, i think we all need to hear that there is more good inside you than you think. you drop a little black paint in some white paint, mix it up and suddenly it turns gray: humans aren’t like that. you aren’t gray, you aren’t tainted and your mistakes aren’t irreversible. just cause i embarrassed myself in front of all those people in the 7th grade doesn’t mean i gotta stay on that forever. and just because i have these hurts and all these other mistakes that stay on my memory, it doesn’t mean that they define me. your dark times don’t define you either. there is more good in you than you think, and there is more light that shines from you that you realize. sounds corny, but i know i need to hear that now and again. i hope that someone out there needs this too.
